Monday, August 23, 2010

changing the rules?

I don't know if this is changing the rules in mid-stream or not. One friend says it is, so she might be right.

The hormones are wreaking hell with me right now. The depression is terrifying and the rages are the likes of nothing I have ever experienced. I go back and forth between suicidal depths and blind white rages. It feels not so much like being on an emotional roller coaster as it feels like being dragged behind the roller coaster, over the tracks.

One friend decried the use of the term "mood swings" to describe what happens when a woman hits menopause. "I called them 'mood slams' " she said.

Only now I am in a very rough spot. I am trying not to be angry today. It is not going terribly well. I have realized in the past couple days that nearly all interaction between me and my friends has been as a result of my reaching out to them. Rarely does anyone call me.


Hormones in play, remember.

So today I am in a mood to say "fuck it" and put the world to a pop quiz.

And I may or may not tell anyone that they're being tested.

I know. It sounds horribly unfair.

But right now, it feels pretty unfair that if I want to hear the nurturing words of a a friend because I am down and depressed that I have to call them. Screw that.

So here's the plan: I stop calling out. Period.

Anyone wants to get in touch with me, there are many, many ways to do that. I will answer. But reaching out? Not for today.

We'll see after a while who notices that I'm gone. We'll see who bothers to call, write or text. We'll see how important I am to the people who are important to me.

Juvenile? Perhaps. Unfair? Quite possibly.

A reaction to feeling hurt, depressed, unloved and out of control of my emotions? You betcha.

It's where I am today. It's honest. And dear goddess, let us hope it is temporary. In the meantime, it will be interesting to see if anyone calls at all.


Robin said...

I don't have your number or I'd call. If you've still got mine call me, I'm in the US until Thursday. If we don't catch each other (I'll be traveling) we'll definitely catch up on chat as soon as I'm back.


MRMacrum said...

I learned to let the ladies do what they do when menopause hits. Just know I sympathize even though I will never know what you are going through.

Jen said...

Interesting. I do the same thing, though I do it to my husband. I shut the hell down. Hurts to do it, too. It's worse when the PMS hits; he's truly worried about menopause. Can't say I blame him. I have 20 minutes before after school hell breaks loose, I'll see if you're on.